Curses and Blessings:

holiday memories

2009-12-04T09:19:39Z

I have been listening to christmas music on the radio and since I am not sleeping anyway, I have been indulging in fond memories of Christmas as a child. I was very lucky to be given some wonderful Christmases to remember. My Mother's parents always had the whole family at their home on Christmas Eve. But, the holiday would begin the 2 weeks before on a Saturday when all the women in the family (little girls included) would spend the day cleaning and organizing Grandma's house in preparation for the tree and huge Christmas Eve party. Then on Sunday after Church, my Grandfather would take the older Grandchild (depending on who's turn it was) to the back of the farm to select the christmas tree. We would spend all Sunday afternoon decorating the tree and house.
Way back in June we would have all drawn a name from the hat to buy a Christmas gift for. You were not to tell anyone who's name you had picked. The children were really good at not telling each other who's name they had.
On Christmas Eve we would all show up at Grandma's with our gifts and each family had a special dish they would bring. There was always enough food to feed an army. With 8 sons and daughters, all their spouses and up to 27 grandchildren there would be an army to feed. Santa Claus would come to visit and pass out presents later in the evening. Each year a different friend of my grandparents or neighbor would play Santa so that none of the smaller children would guess. Santa would bring some special gifts(usually gag gifts for adults related to something that had happened during the year) and switches for the bad children, candy canes for everyone else.
During the evening the adults would play cards (kids were allowed to play too if you wanted)
and it was nothing to see 20 people around the table playing canasta. There were games for the kids to play and food that everyone to just help themselves to anytime they felt like it.
My grandparents were farmers and had very limited funds, so my grandmother spent only $1.00 on each child, spouse, and grandchild. She would shop for bargain all year long and her greatest delight was to be able to get an expensive toy for a grandchild for her $1.00. However, the men often ended up with socks, as it was much harder to find something for them.
All the grandchildren knew as we grew older that we were expected to be there for Christmas Eve. We were welcome to bring girlfriends, boyfriends, and just good friends to the party -- she always had a few extra gifts so that no one went home empty handed.
We would stay till nearly midnight and would all go home well fed and feeling very loved.
When I look back on those Christmas parties, there are a few highlights that make me smile (like the year my brother got the switches or the year Santa brought me an anatomically correct man because I wanted to be a doctor.)and a few that bring a tear to the eye( like the year Grandpa was in a hospital bed for the party because his cancer was in the end stages).
But most of all they just bring this warm feeling of family and belonging and peace.
My grandparents never had a clue the legacy they gave all their grandchildren with those parties. We knew a sense of togetherness that still holds us together today. You see, my grandmother only had one rule for those nights. All disagreements and anger was set aside for that night - you were expected to treat each other with love and respect that night even if you had to bite your tongue to do it. It was amazing afterwords, how hard it was to conjure up that anger against the other person again. Many disagreements healed because of that rule.
May your holiday this year have that same sense of love, wonder and peace.

lovely day

2009-09-15T20:18:34Z

A group of my Eastern Star friends and my neighbors met at the Olive Garden for lunch and to celebrate my Mom's 81st birthday. Just yesterday we discovered it was also a neighbor's birthday this week, so we invited her to join us.
It was so great to see people from their 80's to their 20's all communicating and enjoying each other. It was truly a wonderful experience. There was talk all round the table and strangers went home with new friends. I loved that my friends and neighbors could all get to know each other and enjoy what I so much enjoy about each one of them - their love of life.
Mom said it was the best birthday party ever. All that fun and pleasure without any gifts beyond that of shared joy in each other's company.
Everyone left smiling and relaxed- no meal is ever as good as one shared with friends.

love is .....

2009-09-13T08:19:06Z

My neice has been feeling a little overwhelmed of late with work and kids and all, so Mom and I thought we needed to find a way to cheer her up.
We hit upon what seemed like a perfect idea -- we would send her a party in a box. What you say is a party in a box? We were going to send a gift card for her favorite clothing store to get a new top or something and gift card to take the family out to dinner to give her a b reak from cooking. We were going to tie them to balloons, box the balloons and mail it to her. We thought this was just going to be too fun.
I got up early on Friday ready to get this fun under way. And that's when the gremlins started their work - you know the ones - they wreak havoc with your plans and challenge your sanity.
The plan was for me to go do a short time at the spa to work on my knee in the pool, then run across to the other side of Ocala to the restaurant to get the gift card, home, pick up Mom and a box, then on to Gainesville for the other gift card, balloons and to mail the package.
I got to the spa and when I stopped the car it gurgled at me. This car has done this before - when it does it is usually the early warning sign that my radiator cooling fan is about to quit working. I have become adept at diagnosing this sound because every 6 months since I got the car, it has done this.
I grumbled at the car, reached for my phone to contact my brother to give him the news of another impending fan failure only to discover that I had left the cell phone on the charger at home. Knowing the car would have to cool down anyway - I went in and worked on my knee in the pool, fell asleep in the sauna (not recommended when you have yet to consume much in ther way of fluids or food)and came out exhausted.
Now I know that I had better just head for home, no stopping for breakfast or for liquids - just head straight to the house. Car is fine all the way home and does NOT gurgle when I pull into my Mom's house. So, the brothers says: "Go to town, get ome antifreeze, it probably just needs some - you'll be fine."
So, I tell Mom the plan is still a go, we will just send money for the dinbner instead of a gift card. I go to the house, get something to drink and eat, pick up a box 3 gallon of water came in, type a clever note for my neice, grab the phone and go pick up Mom.
The drive to Gainesville is uneventful and then it started....
I am in line at the drive-thru at the bank and the car gets hot. We turn off the car and then wait. After the bank, the car seems okay until we are caught in traffic trying to get to the Old Navy store. Car gets hot, we end up shopping for a while, we try on clothes and try to waste some time. We try to call the brother who doesn't answer his phone.
We decide that car should have cooled enough and we will head stright for Wal-mart were we can let it cool longer and pick up the rest of the things we need in town. We only get about 3/4 of the way there because of traffic, so we stop and have lunch.
We make it to Walmart and finish shopping for a couple of projects and then quickly head to the balloons store. We get the balloons, still determined to make this happen for my neice in spite of the car problems.
WE take the balloons out to the car and start to assemble the box. Immediately the wind picks up,and we are fighting the balloons to keep them still and tie money on one andthe gift card on the other. We try to shelter them from the wind eihle trying valiantly to tie the ribbon around the card and money - we are in the space where the back door opens and are crowded in trying to hold and tie, needing about 6 hands and 3 feet more space. We finally get them tied and the realization sinks in that we have brought a long narrow box for 2 large round objects. Mom stands holding the one balloon while I try to squeese the other balloon into the box without breaking it. We get the first balloon into the box and the box is now seroiusly malformed. But we are not willing to abandon the idea quite yet! I very carefully start to wedge the other balloon into the box, every second waiting to hear the explosion ---
but I somehow manage to get the balloon in the box.
Now we just have to find a way to close the box and tape it shut - only problem is it is gaping open about 6 inches. We find a piece of cardboard and insert it on the top of the box to cover the gap partially and start to try to tape this thing shut. Now mind you we are still squeezed into that little doorway instead of taking it to the back of the car where we could easily help each other hold and tape. Oh no, we continue to struggle with it in that tight little space. By the time we are throught, every inch of the box has tape on it and ther box looks like someone mauled it. It won't sit up or lie on it's side. It weights almost nothing. There are places that have little hints of balloon showing and I can only laugh at this mess.
We take it to the post office and get the strangest look when I hand it over to be weighted. I thought for a moment they would refuse to mail it, but they took it.
Of course, if the balloons are still intact when it arrives, she will most certainly pop them when she tries to open the box.
Isn't it amazing what we can imagine and what reality makes of it. We imagined her opening a box from which would float up beautiful balloons to lift her spirit, instead she will either open a box with balloon pieces limply tied to ribbon or be scared to death when she pops them in trying to open the box. So maybe God figured she would need to laugh at her crazy relatives more than a pretty floating balloon.
Some plans just take on a life of their own.

changes

2009-09-01T06:31:53Z

In the past 2 weeks, 2 eastern star ladies I thought a lot of have passed away. In that same period of time a neighbor has been diagnosed with lung cancer. It seems like this is a time for lots of change and change is always upsetting. It seems like my reaction to all this change is either to be angry and short with people or to hide in my room and cry.
I anticipate this to be a difficlut and rather emotional time of year for me because of anniversary of Steve's death; but, this year there just seems to be so many other sad things happening.
So, today I decided to make some changes that would at least give me a positive focus. I rejoined the fitness place and was able to walk in the pool for 1/2 hour before my knee screamed at me, fell asleep in the wonderful sauna and felt better when I left there.
I gave myself permission to do nothing when I got home from Bible study and actually was able to go to sleep early and slept a bit.
It isn't a big change but it did refocus my thoughts for a while.
Sometimes it is the little things that make all the difference.
Let's see what change in focus should I try for tomorrow???
Maybe dinner with a friend?
Life is in the little things after all.

introspection

2009-08-13T16:05:09Z

Tuesday would have been the 25th anniversary for Steve and myself. I was deeply saddened when my family totally forgot; but then I realized that the date no longer holds importance for anyone but me so why should they have remembered.
It got me to thinking about women and the cycle of their lives.
When we little girls, we play house and pretend what life will someday be - fairy tale style.
We are treated like we are special little princesses by our family. Then we are in no man's land while we grow into our teens - not knowing what we are or want to be. Our whole vision of our future changes. We don't necessarily want that fairy tale version of life anymore.
We start to date and discover our true femininity, how to use and often abuse it to get attention from the opposite sex. We discover (if we are very lucky) what it feels like to be treated like that princess again.
We become young adults with the world at our feet and feel we can conquer all of it. We marry the man of our dreams and start what we hope will be a relationship to last te rest of our lives. In that honeymoon phase certain rituals gain importance in our lives because of the emotion they represent; like flowers on our anniversary and birthday from our husbands. They show us that we are still the princesses we were as little girls. They tell us we are loved and cherished by someone in this often cold unfeeling world. They tell us that we are not alone and that we don't have to face the morning without someone to hold us. As time passes these rituals become so much a part of our lives that we take them for granted.
Then we lose our spouse and we enter widowhood, a stage of no man's land again . We suddenly have to face the world alone. We are no longer defined by any of the things we were a part of before. It is a slow adjustment and has many unexpected landmines on the path back to our
self. For me the biggest landmine is the little things - like knowing no one will ever bring me flowers again to show their love, no one will ever kiss me good night or hold me when I cry.
I think that for far too many women, the last stage of our lives is one of living in a shadowed land where our past forever shadows the present and any joy it might bring us.
I think the reason so many men get remarried quickly after their spouse's death is that shadow over life. They can't stand living in that shadow - they need to make new memories.
Women, however seem to need that shadow of the past to have the courage to face the day.
They don't think about the future, they just drift from day to day. The future is just too hard to deal with - it would mean trying to go back to that young girl who had all the hopes and dreams and none of the cynicism that comes from living. Few of us are ever able to do that successfully.
As for me, this week I will just mourn the past and miss the flowers of love.

just when i think i'm better

2009-07-20T06:20:07Z

I have noticed that I am slipping back into the old habits I developed right after Steve died.
I do only what absolutely has to get done and spend a great deal of time running away from the house. The difference is I don't seem to be able to escape alone - Mom is usually with me.
Between the emotional drain of my brother's escapades and the physical drain of taking my neighbor to chemo and my Dad to 2 different docs and dealing with Mom's never ending uti's; I feel empty. I miss being able to talk to Steve and recharge my batteries from his advice and concern. I just miss him being there. It seems like the scope of my life just keeps getting narrower. I feel like I am surrounded by the past and that there is just this empty hole in front of me with nothing to fill it.
I know that my counseling course says that it is normal to slide back into these valleys; but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to start the climb back up the mountain.
Life just seems so lonely and empty right now.
I question why I am still here, when I can't find a purpose for the rest of my life. Sometimes it just seems so hard to pretend everything is fine and to be cheerful and encouraging for others. It is at times like this I can understand Steve's decision a little better even if it would never be something I could do - I at least understand the despair that could prompt it.
Well, Tomorrow is a new day and it will be time to take that first step up the mountainside.
I just have to hold on to the handholds tighter with each step and know that God will show me the way.

memories

2009-05-26T04:43:08Z

I just got a call this evening that a good friend who had been battling cancer passed away. This was one of those men who loom larger than life and create lasting impressions on everyone they meet.
Just having him attend a meeting meant that he would make you laugh or at least smile before the evening was over. For many years he was the "preacher" as he called it at a small church near me. I knew him through star and saw him in a very different context.
I saw this amazing man lose a son and not only work through the grief, but continue to make others smile. I heard him give the service when a friend passed away and I will never forget what he said. He quoted the verse from the bible that says "well done thou good and faithful servant" and it could certainly be said about him. I was blessed to know him and was so lucky to have had the chance to have a brief visit with him on Saturday. The voice no longer boomed, but he was still larger than life with his warm smile and obvious delight in seeing me. So, in tribute to my good friend Russell: Go with God my friend you were his servant and served him well. You brought smiles and joy to all who met you. The world is a quieter and smaller place without you.

what were they thinking

2009-04-30T06:26:29Z

Okay, I have turned this over in my head for days and hope that maybe someone else will have a logical answer. Every since Eastern Star convention this past week, I have wondered what do clothing manufacturers think about when they are creating these evening gowns?"?
I had a top that I purchased on clearance (yes, I should have known there was a reason this $80.00 top was only $9.99) and wore for the first time at convention. The pain and discomfort it was causing me made me start to check out others around me to see if this was maybe a situation that I could share and commiserate with others about.
First, the top was made of some sort of sheer material and lined with a material that let no breath of air near the body. It was beaded with rocaille glass beads. Now for those of you who don't know, rocaille beads are little tiny glass tubes that are chopped off at the correct length and then sewn on to this top. It had loose long sleeves and a cowl neck.
All around the neck these sharp little glass beads were scratching my neck, the sleeves would rub against my hands or any exposed flesh and scratch it. It was like trying to wear a prickly pear cactus. Now in addition, the beading made this top weight at least half the weight of a sumo wrestler; so you had to keep remembering to sit up straight to keep said top from sliding forward and showing more than you ever planned to show to some little old lady two rows over.
Of course sitting up straight meant leaning back in your seat which presented a whole new level of discomfort. The beads now were stabbing straight into your back making you feel like you just rolled over on one of those cactus plants.
As In looked around for others in my level of hell, I realized that I actually had it pretty good. I wasn't wearing a long straight formal covered entirely with these beads. The poor ladies having to sit down on the stabbing beads did look unhappy. It might not have been so bad for them if they could have sat down and stayed there, but we we having to get up and down, so they were getting repeatedly stabbed.
I talked to one of the ladies in the bathroom and admired her top because it had nice smooth round beads on it. She told me it was like leaning back against a chair made of marbles and all of them hitting your sore spots at once and that it was so heavy her arms were tired by the end of the evening just from trying to lift them.
Yes, as I surveyed the ladies throughout the convention hall, there were few smiling faces, most just appeared resigned to a long evening of discomfort.
So my question is twofold: 1. Have designers learned nothing since the middle ages about designing clothing that doesn't weigh a ton to wear and 2. have designers ever had to wear these nightmares of pain themselves or are the all misogynistic men?

gianettaremigio @ 2009-04-12T08:55:00

2009-04-12T13:04:02Z

HAPPY EASTER to all of you!!
I just got back from a beautiful sunrise service and breakfast. It was awesome - if I looked to my left I could see the misty fog surrounding the trees and the slight pink of the dawning day. Straight ahead of me were the trees with the first rays of the sun breaking through the leaves like threads of spun gold radiating down from the heavens. Around me the birds sang and flitted from tree to tree. It was so very quiet except for the minister voice and the sounds of nature. No cars went by during the service and it was as if the whole world was holding it's breath to see the new day born. Even though I was surrounded by friends and neighbors, I felt alone with the new day. It was so uplifting and renewed my soul.

My hope is that everyone has a wonderful day, filled with new hope and joy.

the unexpected blessings

2009-04-11T04:55:19Z

I found out wednesday afternoon that there might be a chance to get free tickets to Monday night's Yanni Voices concert in Gainesville. I went by the office for the group that were getting the free tickets this afternoon and was able to get tickets. Granted, these probably aren't the best seats; but, who cares - I can hear the music from where the seats are easily.
I have to take Mom and Dad and my Aunt with me as they belong to the same group. I will be meeting several Eastern Star /Mason's there and 2 of the ladies will be sitting with us.
I know this is not exciting music for many people, but it is a type of music that makes me relax and really become a part of the music itself. It transports me to another time and place. Steve used to get so amused that I liked so many types of music. The only music I ever forbid him to play around me was a a Patti Smith song which had lyrics sung to a background of crying children begging for their mother. He never played it in my hearing after my request even though he found my aversion to it silly. He is probably smiling tonight and grateful that he won't have to go to the concert with me.
Unexpected blessings are constantly finding me and I feel so fortunate. God is so good to me.
Happy Easter to all of you who patiently listen to my drivel. May you and your families have a truly wonderful weekend.

tough decisions

2009-04-10T05:43:17Z

Today has been one of those days when I have had to make some tough decisions. It seems each time I need to sell something of Steve's is a totally different experience. Sometimes it is a delight as I see something he had go to someone who will put it to use and enjoy it.
But, for the last couple of weeks, I have been looking into a web site that buys used cds and dvds. They offer fair prices and pay shipping. I thought it would be so easy to sell some of his cds that I never listen to. I have always believed that music is meant to be enjoyed and listened to; so it seemed logical to share his cds so they would be enjoyed again. They have lain silent for so long already.
Well, last night I started to organize them and return them from his album to their original cases and continued to do so today. I listed the first set of 6 with the web site for a price quote and was very disappointed that they were willing to give almost nothing for them.
Yes, I know that the Beatles were so popular that there are tons of the cds out there; but it just seems like such a sacrilege to sell them for next to nothing.
Finally after going through around 20 and getting low quotes; I decided to list them with Craig's list first to see if I get a better response.
I am so trying to be logical about this and it is so not working.
I need the space in the house for other things, I need the money (even if it is next to nothing), I know he would want someone to have them and enjoy them and none of this helps. His music was so much a part of him that it feels like I am selling off a part of him.
I promised myself that I would not allow myself to become one of those little old ladies who made a shrine out of their deceased husband's belongings. Sharing his music is a good thing to do.
I am keeping the cds that I would listen to, but even so, he has so many and they are just collecting dust and even if they only bring in a few dollars, it is money that is needed for other things. I just have get over this speed bump of feeling like somehow, I am betraying him by selling off his things.
Just when I think I am in control of my feelings about his death, something like this sneaks up and bites me on the behind.

nostalgia

2009-04-07T11:53:31Z

It has been one of those restless nights and they often lead to thinking way too much. This time however it led to lots of great memories.
I have been remembering all the past Easters and how much the things we do for it have changed.
All the time I was growing up, Easter meant a new outfit of Church Clothes. You know the ones I mean - the ones never worn except for something very special and often passed down in the family because they got so little use before you outgrew them. The part of the country I grew up in called for a spring coat as well. So you were taken shopping for this outfit. It was literally from the skin out. It required new ruffled socks, patent leather shoes,frilly slip, dress, coat,hat and if you were older, gloves. This applied to Mothers too. THey got a whole new outfit and also got a corsage for the day.
I always felt sorry for my brothers since they had to put up with getting fitted for a little vest, pants, bow tie etc. They always looked miserable on those shopping days.
It's funny, I can only remember one outfit and that was when I was a teen. I had a pink mohair sheath dress and a coat that had a white background with variegated shades of green loops of thread. I had gloves, white shoes and a white hat. I really thought I looked great.
When my niece came along it had become a more casual time and all she required was a new frilly dress for Easter. I remember spending days making a dress for her when she was about 14 or so. She had seen the material and picked out the pattern, so it was all her creation. She wore that dress until it was threadbare. I will never forget the look in her eyes when she put it on for the first time that Easter Sunday morning. It was a grownup dress and she knew just how beautiful she was in it.
Now times have become so relaxed that I made simple little sundresses for her 2 daughters while they were here for Spring break, which they won't be wearing on Sunday since it is still snowing there. Mom and I haven't bought anything new to wear for Sunday and there will be no corsage.
THere were so many cool things surrounding Easter.
I used to love getting the little colored chicks or ducks for Easter. I loved getting to pick them out and how soft and cheeping they were. I always wanted to get a rabbit -they came in such fun colors. Mom and dad knew that when the chickens or ducks grew out of the cute stage and we got bored with them that either of my Grandparents would add them to the ones at their farms, but a rabbit would not have been that easy to find a home for.
I can't imagine how my parents put up with all the mess and noise those chicks created; but it sure must have made for lots of headaches. Funny how the tradition may have faded out for humane reasons; but, just a couple of years ago I was in a feeds store near here and they had all these chickens and ducks for sale. I wanted to bring some home just to cuddle them again and then reality hit. I walked away sobered and sad- I could not bring a pet home and have someone else be responsible for it - I couldn't know the joyful abandon of a soft cheeping chick any more.
I also remember how ugly the poor chicks looked as their feathers began growing in to replace the dyed ones. They looked like they were poorly tie dyed. One year a rabbit had escaped form a neighbor or been released by someone near my Grandfather's. It took up residence under the corn crib and became Grandpa's favorite pet. It had been dyed blue and was so very ugly as the fur grew out. It lived a very long life protected by my Grandpa and that corn crib.
My Grandpa was a sap for his grandchildren and would let us do most anything, but he had one rule that would actually cause punishment if broken. You could not pick, touch or mangle in any way his spring daffodils and Easter lilys. THey were all started from ones the grew around his parents home before it burned down and he had a whole row of them that he tended lovingly every year. Knowing how much it killed me to not be able to pick them or take my teacher some of them; he would walk me through the woods to his parents old home site and we would pick some of the ones that still came up there each year. It made me sad when I became old enough to walk there and back by myself. Although I would go each year, some of the magic was gone from the trip. I often wish I could be there this time of year to see if the flowers are still coming up every year and to get some bulbs to start my own patch.
My Grandparents always made Easter Baskets for each one of us grandchildren. No easy feat that since there were around 24 kids there each Easter. We were always allowed to bring friends and that added to the number. THey also had an Easter egg hunt for us. So, being the oldest granddaughter, I got to help with things like making the Easter baskets, dying the eggs, and keeping the younger kids busy while the eggs were hidden.
I was always amazed at my grandmother's ingenuity. She came up with some of the most amazing baskets. Having a very limited income, she was always on the lookout for something that would work for Easter baskets. I remember the year a local dairy decorated their cottage cheese containers for Easter. I remember the smell of melting plastic when she and my Aunts heated an ice pick to burn holes in the containers for handles to be applied. They actually turned out pretty cool.
My Grandpa was a trickster and loved to play jokes on a couple of my older arrogant male cousins. Everyone had to find their Easter basket, each basket had an egg with the owners name on it. The baskets were hidden with greater difficulty as your age increased. My cousin David, bragged that he would be able to find his no matter where it was hidden. Well, my Grandpa overheard and made that basket his own personal challenge. He hid it on top of the chimney on the roof. Once my cousin finally spied it, he couldn't reach it because my Grandpa had hidden the ladder as well. Another year,this same cousin bragged a few weeks before Easter about being able to hit a boiled egg against his forehead to crack it to peel. His mom told him to stop and he laughed at her. So, yes, you guessed it, his egg with his name on it was raw and yes, you guessed it again, being all boy, he hit it against his forehead to crack it and we all laughed like crazy at his egg smeared face.
I sometimes feel sorry for my cousin's children and the young children of today. The times of family holidays like those have gone away and they will never have those great memories to fall back on. Of course, I could created them - wonder if the local feed store near my niece has chicks yet? I bet her 2 year old could give a chick or bunny a run for it's money. For that matter, my cousin Linda's little girl would probably like one too. Oh, could I ever wreak havoc in my cousin's lives.
Well, I have certainly rattled on long enough. Sorry for the rambling memories.

stepping into the deep end

2009-04-02T04:41:30Z

For a few months now I have been considering a bit of a change in my life. I feel that I am being lead to take the steps to become a counselor specializing in grief counseling. I feel that the county is very lacking in providing information for those in need of counseling after something catastrophic happens. I want to set up a network of first response type people who could give initial referrals to the people. right now even the churches in this area rely on the minister, priests etc. to provide that resource. But, I have found that sometimes the last person you are ready to talk with in the beginning is your religion's spiritual leader. There are such private thoughts you are having that it is infinitely easier to share it with a stranger - one you won't have to face again.
In order to accomplish my goal; I need some sort of additional education and certification. I am not desirous of a degree and the ability to set up a full time counseling service. It is cost, time, and health prohibitive.
The logical alternative to the 4 year course is to get a certification as a Christian Counselor. It requires 3 30 hour courses and upon successful completion provides certification which allows you to provide counseling as long as it is under the auspices of ministerial organization of some sort. The other difference is that you may not set a service fee. You may accept donations or be reimbursed for your services.
I have been checking these courses and found that they were also quite expensive and had just kind of given up on proceeding with this dream any time soon. Last week a chance to take all 3 courses for free fell into my lap. I will be taking them with some very good friends. one of whom is a new pastor and is taking the course to round out his abilities. He and his wife are paying for me to take the course with them.
I am excited that this dream of mine might actually become a reality.
I am scared to death to think I am going to commit myself to these courses. It has been so many years since I did any kind of formal classwork, especially on the level these classes will be.
It feels like I am stepping off the end of a pier into water of an unknown depth- terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.
I have only told a few people until tonight about my dream - it seemed so out of reach that I was afraid to talk about it. I guess I was also afraid people would tell me that I was being unrealistic and/or crazy.
Well, I hope all of you will reach a hand out if I start to drown in the deep water

sadness and gladness

2009-03-22T19:25:51Z

It seems so odd that we can so fully rejoice in one minute and so fully grieve in the next with almost no visceral change of thought or gears.
Life and death are so closely intertwined in our hearts and minds that it is nearly inconceivable that we can literally mourn someone death and at nearly the same moment be joyous in the moment of a child's laugh.
I had lunch with my family after church and got to help my neice, Paige with her lunch plate and so forth. It was such a delight to hear the thousand "why"s that answered my questions. To hear her call her dog "stupid" after my Mom inadvertently forgot how quickly the child will pick up words and repeat them. To feel that incomparable warmth while she sat on my lap and I rocked her to sleep for her nap, all these were such a deep joy.
I knew that it was possible that a long time eastern star friend might have passed away since last night I found out that she had a bad stroke. I came back to the house and called for an update - she had slipped away from this world. Now I am grieving for myself and the beutiful music I will never hear her play again. She is free from a long illness and pain. I am here without the comfort or joy of hearing the music pour forth from her piano.
It seems that we have an unlimited capacity for both joy and sadness and can almost feel both of them at the same time. Humans are such miraculous creatures - yet we get caught up in the minutia of life and lt the sheer magnitude of our existence slip away from us. My theory - go hug one of God's amazing creatures today - share the joy and beauty of creation- there will always be time for sorrow!!
As for me, tonight I will make a toast to my good friend Mary and wish joy to those who loved her, as I listen to some piano music. Granted it won't be as wonderful as hers, but it will make a joyful noise.

gianettaremigio @ 2009-03-21T23:44:00

2009-03-22T03:46:56Z

My niece and her kids arrived this a.m. from Indiana. Her youngest, Paige, brought a whole new perspective to my Dad today, My niece had brought Paige's potty chair for her and had put it in the bathroom for her. My Dad came in to the kitchen and told my Mom that she needed to check on Paige because he couldn't figure out what she was trying to do. Mom walked to the door of the dining room and cracked up laughing. Paige needed to use her potty - evidently the bathroom wasn't a comfort zone - so she just carried her potty chair to the living room and was makng use of it. She had remembered to bring a piece of toilet paper for herself and finished. She stood up pulled up her pants, dusted off her hands and walked away.
Mom looked at Dad and said simply,"Guess she doesn't like your bathroom."
Oh, how I wish we all had that kind of confidence and abandon. After all, she made the situation fit her needs and didn't care what anyone else thought. This and she's not even 2 1/2 yet - boy is she going to be an interesting child to watch grow up.
Poor Sam, the cat is already traumatized by her nonchalance. She has a small poodle who follows her everywhere and that included on to the porch while she tried to get close enough to Sam to pet him. He knew she was little and he didn't even yowl at her - he just backed up against the screen door to the living room and hunkered down. He allowed her to touch him and jabber at him. I took pity on him and brought them off the porch to give him some freedom. To make matters worse, the dog ate some of his food and drank some of his water - oh the indignity he has suffered. I had to give him some cheese off my slice of pizza to salve his hurt pride.
This week promises to be entertaining if exhausting. Tomorrow Mom and I watch Paige while the two older kids and their Mom go to a ball game at UF with their Grandparents. Bet both of us will be glad when she takes her nap.

computer demon

2009-03-12T02:29:54Z

I have a computer demon that has taken up residence in my hard drive. It waits until poor innocent Internet Explorer tries to follow one of my commands and then it strikes. It renders poor internet Explorer speechless then recreates it into an A.D.O.L.S.(Attention deficit, oh look shiny disorder) child. I give it a task and within seconds it is busily working along trying to follow my command, but "oh look shiny" happens and suddenly in much noise and confusion it works along on a task totally unrelated; that only it knows the reason for doing. Then another "oh look shiny" runs through the lines and it is so confused it just doesn't know where to go next so it tells me it can't navigate to that page. Good thing it can't because I didn't want to go there in the first place.
So, we try again and the demon lulls us into submission with letting the poor Internet Explorer complete a task with no interference. We both settle down and I start to feel that I might let the child live; then the telltale humming starts and I know the demon has attacked again creating a whirling dervish out of poor Internet Explorer. I have learned to just stop what I am trying to do because all is lost until the whirling dervish finds a way to stop the spinning.
Sometimes it decides that I really wanted to go back to the google homepage; but,other more inventive places it takes me are to searches I never asked for. I am becoming rather concerned about those choices since it told me last night that it couldn't find the "hot mommas looking for men" web site. I had asked it to find loose beads for sale on ebay. Quite an interesting twist. Maybe the demon has more in mind than just confusing poor little Internet Explorer.
Having been concerned about this computer demon and wanting to help poor little Internet Explorer, I made arrangements to switch from dial up to dsl (course the fact that I was able to get dsl for 1/2 what the dial up is now costing per month with a 1 year price guarantee. was the deal clincher). So, hoping for a cure very soon, I have been trying to be patient with the child.
However, 2 things happened that neither I nor the computer demon could have predicted. First, I had a severe attack of asthma/inflammation/who knows what on saturday and spent Monday with the neverending tests and the usual result. High doses of steroids for the next 10 days - usually it is for 3 days then taper down in dose for 7 days. (New study indicates, high dose for whole time- better results- body won't crash from abrupt withdrawal at end of 10 days like always believed before this study. I hope it's right!!!!). The second thing was the decision of another computer gamin to be part of the fun game it has seen Internet Explorer doing. So, little Update Girl steps into the picture, quietly at first just a little icon at the bottom of the page saying downloading updates. Then with increasing clicking and humming (not going to let little internet explorer sound busier than her) she began to prevent internet explorer from doing what I commanded. If he managed to start a task, she would slow him down and he would start his own spinning to compete with her.
Normally, I just would have kept trying or turned off the computer and tried again later; but I'm on steroids. Now I understand how "Roid Rage" could truly make someone on really high doses want to kill and to think that they were perfectly rational in wanting to do so.
In my dazed state, I started to get distracted by "oh look shiny things" too. I mean what else can you do while the computer children play and won't respond to your command except to chatter away at you meaninglessly. I noticed some of the absurd statements little internet explorer keeps making to me like: "Protected Mode:On". Who are we fooling here? Poor deluded Internet Explorer can't even protect himself, he sure isn't protecting me. Then when he decides to download something for me and tells me :"What About: Blank" That is his whole problem in a nutshell. He can't function beyond 2 words without becoming blank.
I realize that this is mostly the steroid frustration talking; but, all my techno friends out there, pray for poor little internet explorer and update girl. Last night I got so angry at them that I hit control alternate delete; when that didn't work, I simply turned the computer off and told it to pray that the hammer was out in the pumphouse or it might have taken it's last little click-hum.
To make matters worse, this morning it actually had the nerve to tell me when I turned it on that if I didn't stop it in 25 seconds, it would start windows up normally!!! Well, that just started the shouting!! Windows hasn't been normal in days- go for it buddy- just try and start up normally- good luck!! Well, of course, it lied within minutes of my first command to little internet explorer, it was off on a tangent telling me update girl had to restart the computer to install some updates. Well, I'm on to them now -the two are in cahoots with each other. But, I tell you this: THEY ARE GOING DOWN and their little computer demon, too!! I will beat them at their game. I know where to get reinforcements, people who know how to silence them.
Also, my installation kit for dsl arrived today.
Lastly, I have 8 more days of high dose steroids - lots of potential rage to expend....
Oops, Little internet explorer started humming--- now just where is that hammer??

inventions

2009-03-02T18:07:29Z

Okay, for the industrious out ther. Have you always wanted to invent something that would make oyu an instant millionaire??:? I have the invention for you. It is a walking electric blanket. One that would have a hood and arms, wrap around you with velcro fasteners. It should be available in several lengths and should be battery operated. it sghould have a shock resistant feature so that it wouldn't kill the wearer if it came in contact with water.
As you can probably guess, I am cold and tired of being cold. Although I love this old house - I am so very tired of being cold. I can't get much done if I am huddled under a blanket to keep warm. My heart goes out to those who are homeless in this terrible weather.
At least I can get under the blankets and get warm.
It is so cold in the house today that it wouldn't surprise me to see polar bears sitting in the living room and seals taking a bath in the tub.
Going to take my frozen fingers and go to town - where I can wander through the nice warm store for a while.
Now if someone would start working on my blanket, then maybe next year we could all stay warm. Think of how many people could use a walking heated blanket. Instead of giving the whole wolrd a coke like the old add used to say - we could give the whole world warmth. It might thaw out some of the frigid people we have met too!!!!

gianettaremigio @ 2009-02-21T01:24:00

2009-02-21T06:39:38Z

Tonight it was brought home to me quite forceably that I need to aspire to more quiet strength and greater endurance - less whining about the petty things.
I went to a meeting and when I walked in I was delighted to see a good friend who has been battling some health problems. Mom and I hugged her and asked how she was doing. This sweet little lady looked at me and quietly said: "The doctor told us yesterday that I do have leukemia and have a short time left. The doctor gave me the choice of continuing blood transfusions or trying chemo. I chose the blood transfusions." As my eyes filled with tears, I told her that I would be there for anything she needed. What she said next blew me away. Her big concern was that she was not strong enough to climb the 2 flights of stairs to play for my chapter for their upcoming Installation. Then this fragile little lady went to the piano and played for an intiation. When the meeting was over she was so weak that her husband had to help her up and help her negotiate the walk to their car.
I felt so ashamed of whining to God the night before because I was hurting and couldn't sleep.
This lady has very little income and her family is not all that supportive. I have family and friends who would help me at the drop of a hat. God has blessed me so richly - how can I ever consider feeling sorry for myself. I am so very lucky and am resolved to try harder to remember my blessings.

soft touch

2009-02-19T04:58:56Z

Why do you suppose it is that we all have someone we know who targets us as a soft touch??
You know the person I mean-- the one who can show up chat with you for a while, smile and by the time they leave you have yet again given them money or food or whatever it is they are after this time. You know when they come to the door that they are only there to ask for help of some sort and yet you let yourself get suckered in every time.
I hate the part of me that is that soft touch. It wouldn't be so bad, but I seem to be a soft touch for several people. Afterwards, I always feel like such a chump -- Now, I know I have a difficult time telling people "no", but I should at least stop expecting the leopard to change it's spots. I should not expect promises to be kept. I just feel so stupid because I don't seem to know how to stop being the eternal optimist where these people are concerned. Do you have these problems?? Am I the only soft touch out there?

boy what a change

2009-01-28T05:07:51Z

Well it always amazes me what prayer can accomplish. My brother was free from pain this a.m. with pain meds and able to walk. He was able to get into a pain clinic for tomorrow morning and as a result, they were able to postpone his surgery until at least April to build his immune system and so forth. There has been much rejoicing and prayers of thanksgiving around here. Not only that, but the part on my car that has 2 times burnt out was this time under a lifetime warranty and I will get reimbursed for it when I remove it and ship it back to the warehouse. My brother was also notified by the local garage that they were able to sell a car he had there and he will be getting the down payment this weekend. His girlfriend also got notice that by the end of next week she will receive fod stamps, a big relief for me since trying to keep them and my parents all in food was becoming almost impossible. It has been a day of neverending blessings!!!!

Not only that but I have nearly finished putting my kitchen back in order. Life is coming together in a wonderful way. I even hacve a birthday present waiting for me to open in the morning. My neice sent it home with me from Indiana and called tonight to see if I had been good and waited for my birthday. I was able to tell her that it was the first thing I plan to do in the morning - open the gift from her. It will make a sad day brighter. Steve always brought me Roses for my birthday and it seems like I miss him so much more on my birthday than at other times. I remember the first year we were married, he made me a birthday cake from scratch. It was a white cake with a coarse texture and it was the best cake I ever had. Each year after that he would always make me a cake. After that though he used a cake mix - he said it just made sense to make something edible.
Well, tomorrow will be busy at least - have to get up, go get the tag for the car and take my neighbor for chemo and then get back to continue the house cleaning.

I am so lucky to have people who care about me and I appreciate them more with each passing day. So, my friends are the best birthday gift I could have ever recieved.

some days just aren't what we plan

2009-01-27T06:54:30Z

My plans for today were set in stone last night (after sevral phone calls). It was to be a simple day. Get up late, take car to Gainesville to the shop, be picked up by Mom and Harold Wayne at said repair shop and take the brother to the doc; arrive at his appointment early and go home thereafter to work on the current project of reclaiming my house from the chaos.
The day turned out much differently and the gods laughed heartily at my foolish plans. We humans are always thinking that we can make these plans and we just test fate every time. By now I am sure you are wondering what went wrong with these simple plans??
I got to the repair shop signed the car in and found my brother who had arrived a few minutes before me and was talking to the mechanic who was to work on my car (the one who wasn't there last week when we took the car there and had to make the appointment for today). I hear the mechanic tell my brother good luck and knew I was in for a change of plans. It seems as though the mechanic said we had already tested everything and there was nothing to do but take it back home and replace the cooling fan again. It seems to be an idiosyncrasy of that year car to burn out cooling fans. So, with the day warming up we had to figure out where to leave my car while we traveled to the other side of Gainesville to his surgeon. We decide to leave it at a nearby friend of his(the man's name is Wildman - kind of makes me nervous to leave the car) and pick it back up on the way home.
We arrive at the doc's at 1:15. We are told at 2:45 we might want to go downstairs to get something to eat or drink since it will be at least 40 minutes more before he is called back to a room. I jokingly remark that all I cared about was getting home by 7 pm. for bible study.
We are called back to a room at 4 p.m. The intern comes into the room at 5:00, the doc comes in 20 minutes later. After a discussion with my brother, it is decided that surgery on his good hip needs to be done right away due to the severity of the pain (this is the surgery scheduled for April). The doc said he would check his schedule and be back in a few minutes. He comes back and starts explaining that he has a full surgergy schedule and I expect himt to tell us the it will be in a couple of weeks or when he has a cancellation but no, he say that the surgery will be on Friday and his nurse will be in with info in a few minutes.
We walk out at 6:15, get to the car and both my brother and Mom break down. His last hip replacement on his other hip took 8 surgeries to get a permanent hip due to infection and MRSA. Once they calmed down, we had to get a scrip filled and drive back across town to pick up my car. I took Mom to get her some food and coffee and brought her home - I got her at 8:30.
Yes, I truly believe the gods laughed yesterday when they heard my fine precise plans.
But, not being one to take others enjoyment away, I have foolishly made great plans for each day this week. So, I may well provide much entertainment for the gods as plans go crazy.
But, I may have the last laugh, because I have good backup plans this time.

Now, however, on the serious side, Please keep my brother in your prayers on Friday. His left leg that already had the hip replacement will not bear his weight without help and gives way on him at times - God gave him a miracle when he was able to finally beat the infection long enough to have a hip put in and for it to heal right. Pray that this will be a simple procedure with no complications or infection problems. He is only 51 and terrified that he may never be able to work or even stand again. I have told him that he is in much better health this time and that will be in his favor. His surgeon is a wonderful doctor and is very good at what he does.

One of these days, I think I should write a book about my family - only problem is no one would believe all the drama.

Now, I am going to fix myself a nice hot cup of tea, put my favorite movie on the tv and snuggle up in bed. I have only 1 more day to be 58 and I may as well enjoy it.

things a trip to home town has taught me

2008-12-28T21:02:27Z

Well there are several things the trip back to my home town have taught me. The weather is much worse than I remember it to have been. THe children are far more delightful when opening gifts. There is something about watching a 2 year old squeal with delight at opening clothing is refreshing. Of course that also means she is most definitely a clothes horse in the making. It is wonderful to be with my family and seeing the smiles and sharing the laughter with them.
Even the minor problems (a flat tire while driving on an icy interstate and needing additional antifreeze) with the car have been worth it.
I have seen 46 relatives at one dinner, a good friend and her husband at another dinner,met my neice's in-laws at another dinner and have one side of the family to go yet. By the time I get home I will be able to substitute for the goodyear blimp.
Well, it is almost 4 p.m. and wwe have company expected for supper - guess I should get in the shower and get some clothes on. I like their idea of casual Sunday - don't get dressed unless you have to.
This week I am teaching my great neicecand my cousin's daughter to make some jewelry and am helping my neice to make curtains for her daughter's room. Life can be such fun at times.

I dare you

2008-12-05T05:43:36Z

Remember when you believed in santa and made your Christmas list with the most mercenary mind possible with no thought to others. I dare you to be that kid again. Post your Christmas list - you know the one I mean. Post the list of 5 items you in your secret heart of hearts desire. Remember, no logical or altruistic wishes, just the items you would want if there were no monetary or any other limits. It is very revealing and rather freeing.

Mine follows:

1. a fully equipped greenhouse (like the one they had for a while in sam's)
2. a fancy embroidery sewing machine with lessons on using it
3. all new living room furniture, including a big cushy recliner for me
4. a stuffed soft squishy huge bear to sleep with in a golden brown with a big red bow (bow color is negotiable)
5. one of those very large deep toned wind chimes and maybe 2 or 3 additional ones to compliment the big wind chime. (a large rocker for the porch like the ones at cracker barrel to sit in to listen to the wind chimes would be good too)

Come on guys, what does you inner child want for Christmas???

contemplation on blessings

2008-11-23T22:22:18Z

This morning at church, one of the ladies stood up and asked for a couple of men to help her with moving some heavy thing to her home. I immediately thought "What nerve!" Of course I meant that she was being in my view presumptuous and had a lot of gall to just stand up there and try to make people feel obligated to help poor pitiful her. Oddly enough, the sermon was on counting your blessings and asking for help when you need it. We were reminded to watch for others who needed our help in the tasks of daily life. When I sat quietly this afternoon and contemplated both the sermon, my reaction to this lady, and my recent struggles with some things; it was as if someone had cleared a heavy veil from my eyes.
Why did I react so strongly to this woman's request? Because she truly did have nerve (ie courage) that I did not. She recognized her limits and trusted the people enough to ask for help knowing that it would be given with love and not pity. I don't have that kind of courage or trust. Since Steve died, I have tried so hard to keep people from thinking of me as helpless or pitiful, that I have done without things or put a hardship on myself because I don't have enough faith in my self to think that my friends would never begrudge me any help that I needed. fear of being dependent on anyone has always been a problem with me and is much worse since Steve died.
So, now I am counting my blessings - all the friends who would do most anything I asked of them and who would stand by me in good times and bad - they are many and I am so grateful for them.

the best laid plans

2008-11-08T06:33:45Z

For the past two weeks, I have been working endlessly on things for my eastern star official inspection. Things like 36 small beaded flowers made into buttonaires and corsages, picking up all the food and other essentials for a dinner and reception, etc. When I would get frustrated with trying to juggle those things with doctors appts for my neighbor who is going through chemo and cataract surgery and my Dad, I would promise myself that when today came, I would sleep all day.
Well, this morning, I woke up with an uneasy feeling and was wide awake by 7 a.m. and hadn't gotten to bed until after 2 a.m. I sat in bed reading and trying to pinpoint what was making me so antsy. At 9 a.m., Mom came in the side door - Dad was having some problems with his heart. I threw clothes on and went over to Mom and Dad's. Got an appt to see family doctor at 2 p.m. Went to get gas and came back to take Dad to the doc. Walked into the office at 2 p.m., at 4 p.m. they were wheeling him into surgery to place a pacemaker in his heart. Of course, this was the one time Mom didn't go with me, but when to Ocala to run errands. She didn't have her cell phone on, so we had no way of reaching her. So there I sat all alone, while my brother sat at Mom and Dad's waiting to bring her to the hospital. Suregy was supposed to take 90 minutes. When it hit the 2 hour mark, I was getting worried. Finally my Mom and Brother walked in to the room followed within 2 minutes by Dad back from surgery.
I got home about 9 p.m.
So much for my lovely plans of sleeping all day. On the bright side - dad has a nice rosy glow that he hasn't had for months and is soon going to be filled with get up and go.